People don't understand how difficult it has been for me, coping with everything the last month has held, it's all new and scary and overwhelming for me.
I wake up every day alone and it's something I'm not use to.
The pain of waking up knowing no one is beside me is the worst feeling in the world.
Nothing seems lonelier than coming home from work to an empty home with no anticipation of Him coming home and nothing to look forward to.
It's so quiet, it's just not right to me yet.
People tell me it's better this way and to just move on, but I'm not sure it is better and I'm not sure I can move on.
It's like all the pain and bullshit I endured traumatized me to the point where I'm froze,
and I can't shake this uneasy feeling.
Loneliness is the most sickening feeling, everything is so dull and numb, I feel like I have to whisper in my house because it's so quiet without Him here.
All I've ever wanted is to be happy and to be with someone is what makes me happy.
Now that's all gone away and coping with it is the most unbearable thing I've had to do.
I've tried to date since all this shit went down and I've been left on my own,
but either I just can't feel any connection with a guy or I start to like him and slowly put down my walls only to get fucked over when it's least expected.
It's been a very shady and unhelpful experiance getting back into the dating scene.
Seriously,
some scenarios just sicken me.
There's guys always flirting with me, at the mall where I work or at the grocery store, even in my neighborhood.
I don't go anywhere but those three places sadly...but these guys are so agressive with their pickup lines and fake front, it's not what I'm use to.
I was with someone where there was no pickup lines or fake fronts, it was just this look, where I looked at Him and he looked at me and we just knew, we liked each other and we connected on an amazing level.
I didn't need pickup lines or flowers or any of that bullshit, all I needed was his hugs and his kisses and it felt right to me, but now it's a whole different story...
So,
here it is.
I want to find a guy who's charming and has an amazing sense of humor, he has to have beautiful eyes and a great smile, piercings and tattoos are vital, since I myself have numerous of both, a guy has to love animals, and he has to be grounded with a good job and has to be family oriented.
Of course, looks do count for something, so someone attractive with a fit body would be nice, and he has to be taller than be by more than five inches. Short guys don't make me feel safe (shrugs).
I want to find a guy who's not into games, will tell me straight up how he feels, will be completely honest with me, and someone who will ultimately want to do whatever it takes to make me happy, which isn't much.
Cuddle me, kiss me, take me to the movies or out to dinner once in awhile, be civil with what few "friends" I have, and do the little things that really count for something. Brush the hair out of my face, kiss my forehead, say those three little words every once in awhile to remind me...
It's not like I'm a complicated person to deal with.
I'm a simple person with simple needs, it doesn't take much to make me smile and I don't need a lot of attention to feel appreciated. Money doesn't matter to me, but it's nice to know a guy has his own income flowing in.
I'm not the jealous type, if a guy wants to go out and drink with his buddies I won't complain, I'll even go if invited.
Sports don't intrigue me but I'll watch them, burping doesn't bother me, and I don't care what a guy eats.
I'm not picky, but I do have standards.
So why is it so complicated when it comes to finding MY someone?
Don't tell me I'm only twenty and I have my whole life in front of me, I get this already.
Age has nothing to do with this. What makes me happy is being with someone and I've wasted enough time having bad apples fall into my lap and I would like to find the right for the picking now,
Love,
Michelle
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